Since Childhood, I have been fascinated with Lions, probably because of my zodiac Sign. I was never scared of lions, I was scared of snakes, everyone has their fears and affiliations. The greatest Lion will eventually die miserably no matter how long it lives. That's the order of the world. At their Peak, they rule, chase other animals, catch, devour, gulp, and leave their crumbs for hyenas. But age comes fast. The old Lion can't hunt, kill, or defend itself. It roams and roars until it runs out of luck. It will be cornered by the hyenas, poked, and eaten alive by them. They won't even let it die before it is dismembered.
Life is short. Power is ephemeral. Physical beauty is short-lived, I have seen it in lions. I have seen it in old people. Everyone who lives long enough will become weak and very vulnerable at some point. The sense of realism has been with me since my teenage and most importantly, I never forget that I will leave the stage one day, all of a sudden. Today, a friend asked me if I plan anything special for my 53rd birthday this year, I said, I want to be clear on the next 14. So far God has been super kind and the 53 years, they were just memorable but I need 14 more years and not a year extra. If it's lesser, no worries, but if it can be given 14 more, that will be picture-perfect. I just don't want to be an old and frail lion who is waiting to be dismembered. I want to die with my shoes on.
Today's blog has been in writing for a little over 3 months. On Wednesday, April 13th, 1988, I finished schooling, my last Chemistry Practical exam and I have mentioned that a few times in my blogs. There are moments that stay etched in your memories so vividly that you can feel as if it's just happened. Our school had a back exit that led to the ND Block Pitam Pura Bus stand, I can still relive the journey back home that day. One thing I kept feeling was that "real life " starts now, I was to turn 18 in August of that year and today's blog is a SWOT analysis of the 35 years. I will write this as a Gratitude, Self Critical, Bucket List for the next 15 years and what I am going to do in 2023. My kind of SWOT :)
My favorite philosopher Nietzsche says When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we lived long ago but while Life can only be understood backward, it must be lived forwards.
So Gratitude first ;
Gratitude: Truth be told, If I didn't have God's will on my side, I wouldn't have survived these 35 years. The Vellore bus accident in Feb 1994, three months in CMC Vellore, 6 weeks in ICU, 2 weeks in the ward, and then recovery, every day was an experience. Nurse Santham and Dr. Appurajan, you made me see God. Papajee got me my Walkman as is, and the first track it played was "Hai Ikhtiyaar mein tere to Maujza kar de " which means if you can please pull the magic! I survived! Post that 5 more surgeries and a few ER visits, near-miss accidents, before and after. Heart attack and cancer scares included. So Thank You Hospitals and Doctors and Thank you, God. My last surgery was last year in May and the anesthetist asked me if I had been through this before. In my silly sarcasm, I said, yes, I have been in OTs more times than I have fallen in love! Everyone had a hefty laugh!
The Second gratitude is to Music, at age 18 my favorite "thing" was a small Panasonic stereo my dad had bought from Singapore in 1984. My best friend was Vividh Bharti, some TDK C90 tapes, and some "recorded on demand" as time progressed. I had spent my first earning on a dual cassette set. Music is a beloved who has never ever diminished her love for me. From Jagjit Singh , Lata , Gurdas Maan and Asa Singh Mastana (and Batalvi since 1990 ) . Nothing changed, ever. Today, my favorite friend is a good ghazal by Kaushiki Chakraborty, Prithvi Gandharv, or Satinder Sartaj poetry. I used to conduct a masterclass for Ghazal lovers called Fursat and one of the things I used to say in that session was that Poetry is one "skill" that can never be trained, it's an expression of your percolated philosophies. Every single human connection in my life has some or other chord sewn in Poetry and music. Today it's my Youtube Playlists, my Bose earbuds, and my audiophile traits. The hallmark of good music and poetry is that it's timeless.
Third is Travel, I am a Nomadic Soul and somewhere a seeker, I didn't realize for a long time that I am an old soul inside, I like old places, old temples and old palaces and forts, mountains, and valleys, they are talking to each one of us. I have been to countries, cities, and places that don't matter in number but in depth. I still feel child-like excitement when I drive through hills, or visit an old market or an old temple. My favorite place in this whole world is Distt Kangra in Himachal Pradesh. Thank god for all the travel. Fourth is minimalism, I must have inherited it from my maternal grandfather, he had one set of clothing, white Chudidaars, Kurta, and Black Khussa, they were his set of clothes for a wedding, a funeral, a night suit, and also for every other occasion. Despite the pull towards a nice Calvin Klien T-shirt and a Suede jacket, I still prefer a T-shirt and Jeans, white labeled no brand and if it's formal, has to be a Kurta Churidaar. I am proud that I don't own a suit or like wearing one ever. Thank god that "things" didn't attract me, Vanity never attracted me, and cars and automobiles didn't. The last thing will be my kids, somewhere deep inside, I have very deep parental instincts and had the desire to be a parent since my teenage. I have always believed that nothing changes a man or woman more than being a parent. My kids are a red-hot knife of emotions through the hard cold butter of my logic. They can melt me with a smile or tear.
One can be thankful for a million things but I picked these five. One of Saeed Rahi Ghazals that formed amongst 100 others is a lesser-known rendition by Chitra Singh.
ये हक़ीक़त है के होता है असर बातों में, तुम भी खुल जाओगे दो-चार मुलक़ातों में !
तुम से सदियों की वफ़ाओ का कोई नाता था , तुम से मिलने की लकीरें थीं मेरे हाथों में !
तेरे वादों ने हमें घर से निकलने न दिया, लोग मौसम का मज़ा ले गए बरसातों में !
अब न सूरज, न सितारे, न शमा और न चाँद, अपने ज़ख्म़ों का उजाला है घनी रातों में !
Self-Critical - Looking back, I criticize myself for a million things I did wrong or am not happy about in these last 15 years. At Amazon, being vocally self-critical is a leadership trait that you are often evaluated on, in 2019, my HRBP asked me if I could conduct a session on this because apparently, I was good at it. I actually laughed, being self-critical is a function of two things, how well you know your own persona and how low or high your ego is. Anyway, going back to the list of things I hate myself for. I guess #1 has to be my emotions, It took me a long time to realize that "how it feels" isn't important for people as much as "how it looks" is. Think of this again. How it feels also has a different magnitude for different people at different times. I could care less for how it looks, for me how it feels was far more important. To be socially and economically more successful, this was a drawback, a huge drawback.
The second one is of course Anger, misdirected anger, and an uncoated narrative can be a really bad combination. I have no answer although, with age, I am slowing and getting calmer but maybe not. The third thing is called "parentification" of relationships, people who have strong parental skills tend to adopt everyone around them as their child and be caring, and protective and become a provider. This also initiates a very strange expectation loop. I realized this almost 10 years back and started to work on this but still, something I aint proud of. The third one is the poor discipline in food, sleep, and exercise. The fourth one is selective laziness, there are things I would do at lightning speed or with obsessive precision and there are things, I would simply forget, like Birthdays, and anniversaries. I would read some books in 3 hours and some I would buy and never ever read. The last one will have to be my social trait. I can't even imagine a large social circle or long phone conversations, I don't attend weddings or functions, I just feel claustrophobic in such places I can't handle social media posts, WhatsApp groups, and even numbers. I keep deleting my phone book to keep light and relevant but maybe that's what is wrong. More often than not, I check true caller IDs for callers and spend time recollecting how they know me.
Another ghazal I have lived on ;
इक मुसलसल दौड़ में हैं मंज़िलें और फ़ासले, पाओं तो अपनी जगह हैं रास्ता अपनी जगह !
ज़िंदगी के इस सफ़र में सैकड़ों चेहरे मिले , दिलकशी उन की अलग पैकर तिरा अपनी जगह !
तुझ से मिल कर आने वाले कल से नफ़रत मोल ली , अब कभी तुझ से न बिछड़ूँ ये दुआ अपनी जगह !
वो नहीं मिलता मुझे इस का गिला अपनी जगह, उस के मेरे दरमियाँ का फ़ासला अपनी जगह !
Bucket List: Now my favorite part, what's not done, experiences. I want to be healthier and like I said for 14 more years of life I wish, I wanna be able to wear my shoes and go to work 5 days a week, teach more, have more deep human interactions, and stay curious and keep traveling. One of my regrets was while I loved food and cooked ok, I need to be able to cook better, write better, speak better, and be more frugal in words and my emotions. I do wanna write a book, I heard recently that "Everyone has a book inside them and almost no one has two ". I wanna write that book, and use some platform like podcasting. I wanna see my children do better in their pursuits, see my grandchildren and for myself, try to be a worthy reflection of my forefathers. No cars, No bikes, or awards or big get-togethers is what I look forward to. And last, I do wanna build a home, my parents constructed our old family home when I was 16 and I did everything from supervising to buying supplies, that one wish left :)
A nida fazli ghazal I love is Duniya Jise kehte hain ....some shers were missed out in the rendition ...
ये वक़्त जो तेरा है ये वक़्त जो मेरा है, हर गाम पे पहरा है फिर भी इसे खोना है !
आवारा-मिज़ाजी ने फैला दिया आँगन को , आकाश की चादर है, धरती का बिछौना है !
दुनिया जिसे कहते हैं जादू का खिलौना है ......... मिल जाए तो मिट्टी है खो जाए तो सोना है !
Next 90 days: I left my last job on Friday, December 30th, 2022, so the last 100 days plus have been introspective. Right now, I am living the time, I haven't had before. I am writing my bucket list again, realizing everything I should be thankful for, and of course, working on more writing :) In fact, there is a fiction that I have written 10000 words already, it's called Middle-class Monks. An urban tale of everyday survivors who are no different from monks, meditating through the chaos of everyday life.
Today's post of about Chitra Singh Ghazals and this one is my absolute favourite one since April 1988. Its penned by Wajida Tabassum (Sadly no one gave her credit and her writing was stolen and attributed to Seemab Akbarabdi , she is the writer of many Urdu books ) The lyrics and rendition are rare . Just like life and memories are... More soon :)
ये क्या जाने में जाना है , जाते हो जुदा होकर , मैं जब जानु मेरे दिल से चलो जाओ जुदा होकर !
वो परवाना हूँ मैं , मेरी ख़ाक से बनते है परवाने , वो दीपक हूँ के, अंगारे उड़ाता हूँ फ़ना होकर !
तुम्ही अब दर्द ए दिल के नाम से घबराये जाते हो , तुम्ही तो दिल में आये थे शायद दर्द ए आशना होकर !
क़यामत तक उड़ेगी दिल से उठकर ख़ाक आखों तक , इसी रस्ते गया है हसरतों का क़ाफ़िला होकर !
यूँ ही हम तुम घड़ी भर को मिला करते थे बेहतर था, ये दोनों वक़्त जैसे रोज़ मिलते हैं जुदा होकर !
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