Shikwa.....

August is back, usually a torturous month for my memories of 41 years , how could this be different. This August was expected to be dull and mundane at least , that's what i hoped till May . Shikwa and Jawaab e shikwa are Iqbal's two famous poems , in which allama iqbal questions God and then answers himself on his behalf. I have returned to my partner in Solitude, my blog , after a little while so, the Title, at least for the moment is apt.

This year , I have looked back some specific moments of my life. The moments of sleeping next to the radio listening to some Vividh Bharti songs, cycling down TELCO office in winters of 1988 looking for photocopying work for earn 40 Rs extra for the day to meet my revenue target of 100 Rs . Journey in Magadh express's general coach, nights at Mughal Sarai station's platforms, 5 rs Lunch in Rajendra Place. The quest at the beginning of adulthood was to be ahead of this race to be independent and to relish the aroma of soiled currency notes counted at Vijaya Bank. When you walking down a street , the end is not visible but the smell of the street tells you that you have don't have to pause here . I didn't know what i needed to do with this life . In 23 years of adulthood , I should have figured it out. Some basics however were visible, sadly one never sees what is in front of them ...We see what we WANT to see. When people go in front of TajMahal , they see monument of love , what love ? It is place where a corpse was buried , I didnt see architecture , I saw ego. At that time , was he the only man in love , answer is NO, only man who wanted to express love , NO. He is the only man whose ego in Love was monumental. I realised very early in life , though not in these clear terms that only one thing killed Love , it is EGO. 

I used to travel in Shan e punjab very often , at Panipat, an old sikh Blind man along with a child would board the train , in clean pathani suit and just sing a Sufi composition...Tote de Beri Pinjara ...Bande da Beri kaal (The cage is killer for Parrot and Time is killer of Man) ....Roz o jode ahem nu ....nit puje is wehm nu ...(every day he adds to his ego and worships it ) . Do people want big houses , they want to serve big egos . Do people need kids , they want to leave a mark behind when they are dead ... do people need to be famous , they need to feed their ego .

There are two desires that our religious and social leaders have exploited in humans very well ...Desire to be desired and Desire to be distinguised.

I have failed in love often , and every time I have looked back at my inability to offer an ""ego less"" me , i had gaps. I was not able to kill my desire to be desired and be distinguised. My First Shikwa is about desire to be desired . Why in love do we need to be desired back. A day old child has no feelings no emotions, it just wants to survive but parents are happy to see the child in their hands , simply because they have given Birth to a Desire to be desired . The child will desire them .

Second , on desire to be distinguished. While we know we are all a part of indistinguishable crowd , we have  a strange behaviour to be both a part of crowd and yet look better . we want to look better than the crowd, eat better , live better but behave like crowd . We need crowd , festivals are crowd . Why should I light my house simple because one man returned back to his country after 14 years of a Ego Battle . We marry because that's crowd's way of ensuring that you barter security and exclusiveness with physical and emotional intimacy. While we all introduce ourselves by saying how "distinguished"we are , fact is we are a scared sparrow in the crowd ...Why do i have this desire to be distinguished...I hate myself when i look in the mirror ..old fat and battered  but then I am crowd ..why look same or different ..

Going back to my point on purpose of life, the only thing i learnt is that life has two cycles as illusion of life . One is Production and Consumption. Produce money and Consume money till the last breath ...second is Cycle of Desire to be desired and Distinguished. 

Imagine life without these two cycles ...

Shikwa will continue , have enough accumulated to ejaculate over the next few days ....

Today's ghazal ....heard it this morning ...so true for the day ...with me since 2007 ...so relevant today ...

अंधे ख्वाबों को हकीकत का तराजू दे दे ...मेरे मालिक मुझे मेरे जज़्बात पे काबू दे दे .....

मैं समुन्दर भी किसी गैर के हाथों से ना लूं ...एक कतरा भी समंदर अगर तू दे दे ...

सब के दुःख सिमट जाए मेरे सीने में ....बात दे सबको हंसी ला मुझे आंसू दे दे ....

बन के फूलों की महक मुझको जगाने आये ...सुबह की पहली किरण को कोई घुंघरू दे दे ...

Shikwa will continue ....