I hadn't blogged since the beginning of the new Calendar year, usually, I spend End of year night at a place of my choice, this year I was still popping pills and hoping the New Year doesn't start in sick bed. The reason for not blogging is also attributed to this porridge of emotions which just couldn't take shape or was anyway ready to serve. A few questions needed answer. Do I have too much emotional baggage? Do I really love anyone? Am I the most selfish soul ever existed? Am I at best emotionally Promiscuous? Am I playing Demi-God?
Answers were in touching base with all those who have been a part of my scrapbook. My first answer was a mid afternoon wake up call, came with a slap. The slap is an inconsequential event, the "karta" and "Karam" both are not responsible. In life we tend to believe we can "provide" happiness by doing what the other person wants us to do, saying what he/she wants to hear and by making yourself a foot mat to step over so that harsh realities of ground don't touch them. It doesn't work, happiness can never be given, it has to be sought. I needed to stop being "THE" person who is the emotional hypermarket which caters to all emotions and at all times.
Second, Baggage doesn't help, as the tarot card reader says, the cycle of Guilt Must stop else you will keep hurting yourself. It was time for me to confess that I had made mistakes and say that in all honesty and in broad daylight.
I really love only a very few people, and I am always at a state where I am ready for any loved to tell me that they have moved on, in fact never loved me and never needed me, this level of readiness does take two tolls on you. You stop expecting love in return, you never indulge in divine love. Divinity did happen to me , it was a singular experience, it always is. It is never a plural experience.
I am starting 2012 with Emotional Spring Cleaning in Winter, I am not seeking new loved ones neither am in seeking an enhancement in love and affection and neither a diminishing love and affection.....In fact both don't impact me .
I am ready for the ultimate designer clothing for mankind, white cotton. My ghazals will live...my poetry will take another birth...Shayad.
मैं एक ख्वाब सही आप की अमानत हूँ, मुझे संभाल के रखियेगा जिस्म-ओ-जान की तरह....
कभी तो सोच के वो शख्स किस क़दर था बुलंद, जो बिछ गया तेरे क़दमों में आसमान की तरह...
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