For the last few years , people around me have mentioned time and again that I have gone a little quieter and become almost socially inert . As per what i hear, i have bad phone manners , cut conversations short , dont respond on whatsapp, delete "friends" from Facebook and keep changing my email address.
I will attempt today to write down my perspective , in a manner I like , its called "shikwa" and "jawaab e Shikwa" , it is a two part poetic expression by Iqbal, called conversations with God, first he asks God questions "why me " and then answers himself of "why Him".
I am going to talk about what makes me who i am , my fetish with things, some unknown things about me and how i spend my day with important aspects of my life , things like clock, mirror, the small video clips from movies and memories and the ghazals.
Large part of my days are spent in court proceedings of my own mid . I accuse myself , chargesheet myself , defend myself and pronounce a judgement, i appeal the judgement to myself, pronounce the same or different judgement again . There are many parallel accusations i have against myself. Some from recent past, some from younger days and some even from my childhood . I will write about each of these accusations in detail . Some accusations are simpler straightforward , open and shut cases. I am not trustworthy and selfish per many of my former "friends" . I am perceived to be judgemental, run away from responsibilities and to be short tempered.
Some I will answer today, I am a loner by evolution but still have romance with a lot of things . Romance is not always love of people , it is as called in urdu "banda e ishq" . How is that these traits exist in parallel, they do ...infact they can only coexist , the romantic person will always be a loner. My lover is a fragment of my imagination , just like God Is , ram and Krishna didn't look like how they appear in temples. She is JaanaJee. We like movies because we see ourselves in those characters and then justify our resemblance with them in persona . I was a loner , a quiet , very quiet , skinny , terrified soul in school. Only one who wore short pants till 11th std and never wore a full sleeve sweater in school. I asked one of my classmates recently as how i seemed in those days to others in class , to my utter shock she said the same. She said everyone thought you were always thinking ....
Once you fall in love with solitude, its hard to let go, once you start having conversations within you, all others seem a little naive and trivial .
My choice of friends had no yardstick because I welcomed people from all walks of life. All came and went . My expectations from my siblings , my cousins , my friends and my beloved was free from a trade of "give and take" . I will give what I can from core of my heart and expect just unadulterated , non judgemental, single layered , non sugar coated affection. I dont have harsh feelings for those who arent with me or hate me now.
मैंने यह सोच कर तस्बी ही तोड़ दी मसरूफ......इबादत है ...मोहब्बत है ....कोई तिजारत नहीं जो गिन गिन के करूँ ...
Incidentally every single person i loved hates me now . I have regrets for some , a lot of pain . Regret that some of this pain was avoidable . Pain that i could make a hige aura of loved ones around me . I walk in with passion but walk out in silence. I sulk but never use sarcasm .
हम दुश्मन को भी पाकीज़ा सज़ा देते हैं 'फ़राज़'...... आवाज़ नहीं उठाते...नज़रों से गिरा देते हैं...
I have a lot of chargesheets against myself and some of the judgements i have pronounced on myself have sentenced me to Solitude .
Thats why, I am not active in get togethers , parties, friendships ,call backs , night outs . I am happy with my headphone and Qateel Shifai and my permanent beloved ...Ghazals .
My favourite today ...an absolute Gem, has helped many painful nights pass peacefully , Pure Bliss ...
तूने ये फूल जो ज़ुल्फ़ों में लगा रखा है, इक दिया है जो अँधेरों में जला रखा है
जीत ले जाये कोई मुझको नसीबों वाला, ज़िन्दगी ने मुझे दाँव पे लगा रखा है
जाने कब आये कोई दिल में झाँकने वाला, इस लिये मैंने ग़िरेबाँ को खुला रखा है
इम्तेहाँ और मेरी ज़ब्त का तुम क्या लोगे, मैं ने धड़कन को भी सीने में छुपा रखा है
दिल था एक शोला मगर बीत गये दिन वो क़तील, अब क़ुरेदो ना इसे राख़ में क्या रखा है
I will attempt today to write down my perspective , in a manner I like , its called "shikwa" and "jawaab e Shikwa" , it is a two part poetic expression by Iqbal, called conversations with God, first he asks God questions "why me " and then answers himself of "why Him".
I am going to talk about what makes me who i am , my fetish with things, some unknown things about me and how i spend my day with important aspects of my life , things like clock, mirror, the small video clips from movies and memories and the ghazals.
Large part of my days are spent in court proceedings of my own mid . I accuse myself , chargesheet myself , defend myself and pronounce a judgement, i appeal the judgement to myself, pronounce the same or different judgement again . There are many parallel accusations i have against myself. Some from recent past, some from younger days and some even from my childhood . I will write about each of these accusations in detail . Some accusations are simpler straightforward , open and shut cases. I am not trustworthy and selfish per many of my former "friends" . I am perceived to be judgemental, run away from responsibilities and to be short tempered.
Some I will answer today, I am a loner by evolution but still have romance with a lot of things . Romance is not always love of people , it is as called in urdu "banda e ishq" . How is that these traits exist in parallel, they do ...infact they can only coexist , the romantic person will always be a loner. My lover is a fragment of my imagination , just like God Is , ram and Krishna didn't look like how they appear in temples. She is JaanaJee. We like movies because we see ourselves in those characters and then justify our resemblance with them in persona . I was a loner , a quiet , very quiet , skinny , terrified soul in school. Only one who wore short pants till 11th std and never wore a full sleeve sweater in school. I asked one of my classmates recently as how i seemed in those days to others in class , to my utter shock she said the same. She said everyone thought you were always thinking ....
Once you fall in love with solitude, its hard to let go, once you start having conversations within you, all others seem a little naive and trivial .
My choice of friends had no yardstick because I welcomed people from all walks of life. All came and went . My expectations from my siblings , my cousins , my friends and my beloved was free from a trade of "give and take" . I will give what I can from core of my heart and expect just unadulterated , non judgemental, single layered , non sugar coated affection. I dont have harsh feelings for those who arent with me or hate me now.
मैंने यह सोच कर तस्बी ही तोड़ दी मसरूफ......इबादत है ...मोहब्बत है ....कोई तिजारत नहीं जो गिन गिन के करूँ ...
Incidentally every single person i loved hates me now . I have regrets for some , a lot of pain . Regret that some of this pain was avoidable . Pain that i could make a hige aura of loved ones around me . I walk in with passion but walk out in silence. I sulk but never use sarcasm .
हम दुश्मन को भी पाकीज़ा सज़ा देते हैं 'फ़राज़'...... आवाज़ नहीं उठाते...नज़रों से गिरा देते हैं...
I have a lot of chargesheets against myself and some of the judgements i have pronounced on myself have sentenced me to Solitude .
Thats why, I am not active in get togethers , parties, friendships ,call backs , night outs . I am happy with my headphone and Qateel Shifai and my permanent beloved ...Ghazals .
My favourite today ...an absolute Gem, has helped many painful nights pass peacefully , Pure Bliss ...
तूने ये फूल जो ज़ुल्फ़ों में लगा रखा है, इक दिया है जो अँधेरों में जला रखा है
जीत ले जाये कोई मुझको नसीबों वाला, ज़िन्दगी ने मुझे दाँव पे लगा रखा है
जाने कब आये कोई दिल में झाँकने वाला, इस लिये मैंने ग़िरेबाँ को खुला रखा है
इम्तेहाँ और मेरी ज़ब्त का तुम क्या लोगे, मैं ने धड़कन को भी सीने में छुपा रखा है
दिल था एक शोला मगर बीत गये दिन वो क़तील, अब क़ुरेदो ना इसे राख़ में क्या रखा है
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