This low of last 12 months, especially of last three months , has to come to an end , as no low ever lives for ever . Day and night , at work or otherwise, I have been evaluating myself on all aspects . Am i wrong, How wrong am i , why couldn't I see it , do I attract such people and am i being insensitive to the world around me ? The constant court room inside me my mind has got amplified in magnitude many folds and has extended its jurisdiction to all aspects of my life . Is there something wrong with me , Am i suffering from a mental disorder ? Why do i live ? The life oscillated between purposelessness to that of a renewed resolve to prove a point .
Here are some milestones in that journey . First , background to a new post on facebook, खाने में नमक की तरह हो गया हूं,,, लोग स्वादानुसार इस्तेमाल कर लेते हैं...
The answer is that no one used me as much as I wanted people to use me . I am equally at fault. From teenage, "doing" something for someone was always a very positive kick. I had seen my family do different "sevas", In the guise of being a humble support, I loved playing God . Yes , I loved playing God. It gave me a strange sense of baseless self induced gratification that one day when i need these people, they will help. That was like thinking because I am a vegetarian , the lion won't make me a prey. karma doesnt work this perfectly . There are two key reasons I could think of , first , my emotional quotient, just the way I was . I assumed , doing small things will help me make a network of friends and loved one, I could always bank on . Second, as time had proved, I have been by social standards, quiet a benchmark in my family, I was different from my teenage, I loved ghazals, never pursued a girl , accepted in public that i smoked and consumed alcohol regularly, stepped out of India on my own, married in court on my own at 27 ,At 23 , formed a Pvt Ltd company and was awarded a industrial plot at age 24 . This feeling of "I know how , ruined me . I assumed I knew what's best for my loved ones .
I go to office on Fridays on a bike. Wile leaving, the moment i came to the parking, it started to drizzle . The parking attendant told me "sir aap aaj gaadi laana chhaiye thaa" ...I said this is not the first time I have drenched . I took off ....nevertheless. At the back of my mind, were the recent revelations about how i have been trivialized and demeaned in last three years for my choices. Buying a bike has been one , while i can afford a BMW 3 series also, Bike was my ego buster, my way of keeping myself grounded. When you stand at the set of lights and with all others, it keeps me humbled, keeps me abreast of how I bought my first bike on instalments, the dishwashing and taxi driving days, it keeps me reminded that next time i fly an A 380 between dubai and new york , i shouldnt think that times won't change again . At the first set of lights, there weren't too many two wheelers since it was raining with a lot of gush . A bike came and stopped next to me. It was a Delhi registration Pulsar , the boy was focussed on the timer next to the light and the girl was clinging on to the boy like a gas filled balloon , likely to fly . The moment immediately took me back to 1991 winter. Me and my beloved had gone to see Lamhe on a Sunday afternoon at Plaza, it rarely happens in delhi that it rains in winters that too just after diwali. It had to rain for 30 mins that afternoon . We were drenched . I suggested we took the "amazing route" we rode to yashwant place and bought a 600 ml glass bottle of Thumbs up, while she finished the top 180 ml , i poured the old monk quarter in the bottle. She hid the bottle between two of us , occasionally offering the sip at red lights. The drive to the safdarjung airport and back to shahjahan road saw a drizzle again . Life seemed blissful ..endlessly blissful .
I can still relive those sundays vividly . I haven't changed much and despite the events of last three years , I have decided that I wont change at all . I will still love grey hair, Kurtas, Chappals , Ghazals, mattress on floor, adrak chai, Gulzar, ahmed faraz and an early morning idly. I will still go to temples and still be vegetarian , I will never buy a BMW and still ride a bike in my white kurta . I will still prefer feeding my beloved prasad at SisGanj or Nada Sahib than Pepper chicken with single malt. I will still be trusting but one irreversible change has happened. I would never love again. Just because some people turned out to be different, i won't abort my convictions and my value system , but some things just aren't meant to be. I lost the battle of hope. Jaanajee was never meant to be .
The light turned green and the pulsar zoomed past me . I let them do that . Nothing must stop the exuberance of youth .
In three years , just one lesson learnt . One line from Movie Jab tak hai Jaan ....Rishi kapoor is explaining his love for Nitu Singh , he says ..हर इश्क़ का एक वक़्त होता है , वह हमारा वक़्त नहीं था , पर इसका मतलब यह नहीं के वह इश्क़ नहीँ था। …। I am posting the scene and "the" song for today ...
Here are some milestones in that journey . First , background to a new post on facebook, खाने में नमक की तरह हो गया हूं,,, लोग स्वादानुसार इस्तेमाल कर लेते हैं...
The answer is that no one used me as much as I wanted people to use me . I am equally at fault. From teenage, "doing" something for someone was always a very positive kick. I had seen my family do different "sevas", In the guise of being a humble support, I loved playing God . Yes , I loved playing God. It gave me a strange sense of baseless self induced gratification that one day when i need these people, they will help. That was like thinking because I am a vegetarian , the lion won't make me a prey. karma doesnt work this perfectly . There are two key reasons I could think of , first , my emotional quotient, just the way I was . I assumed , doing small things will help me make a network of friends and loved one, I could always bank on . Second, as time had proved, I have been by social standards, quiet a benchmark in my family, I was different from my teenage, I loved ghazals, never pursued a girl , accepted in public that i smoked and consumed alcohol regularly, stepped out of India on my own, married in court on my own at 27 ,At 23 , formed a Pvt Ltd company and was awarded a industrial plot at age 24 . This feeling of "I know how , ruined me . I assumed I knew what's best for my loved ones .
I go to office on Fridays on a bike. Wile leaving, the moment i came to the parking, it started to drizzle . The parking attendant told me "sir aap aaj gaadi laana chhaiye thaa" ...I said this is not the first time I have drenched . I took off ....nevertheless. At the back of my mind, were the recent revelations about how i have been trivialized and demeaned in last three years for my choices. Buying a bike has been one , while i can afford a BMW 3 series also, Bike was my ego buster, my way of keeping myself grounded. When you stand at the set of lights and with all others, it keeps me humbled, keeps me abreast of how I bought my first bike on instalments, the dishwashing and taxi driving days, it keeps me reminded that next time i fly an A 380 between dubai and new york , i shouldnt think that times won't change again . At the first set of lights, there weren't too many two wheelers since it was raining with a lot of gush . A bike came and stopped next to me. It was a Delhi registration Pulsar , the boy was focussed on the timer next to the light and the girl was clinging on to the boy like a gas filled balloon , likely to fly . The moment immediately took me back to 1991 winter. Me and my beloved had gone to see Lamhe on a Sunday afternoon at Plaza, it rarely happens in delhi that it rains in winters that too just after diwali. It had to rain for 30 mins that afternoon . We were drenched . I suggested we took the "amazing route" we rode to yashwant place and bought a 600 ml glass bottle of Thumbs up, while she finished the top 180 ml , i poured the old monk quarter in the bottle. She hid the bottle between two of us , occasionally offering the sip at red lights. The drive to the safdarjung airport and back to shahjahan road saw a drizzle again . Life seemed blissful ..endlessly blissful .
I can still relive those sundays vividly . I haven't changed much and despite the events of last three years , I have decided that I wont change at all . I will still love grey hair, Kurtas, Chappals , Ghazals, mattress on floor, adrak chai, Gulzar, ahmed faraz and an early morning idly. I will still go to temples and still be vegetarian , I will never buy a BMW and still ride a bike in my white kurta . I will still prefer feeding my beloved prasad at SisGanj or Nada Sahib than Pepper chicken with single malt. I will still be trusting but one irreversible change has happened. I would never love again. Just because some people turned out to be different, i won't abort my convictions and my value system , but some things just aren't meant to be. I lost the battle of hope. Jaanajee was never meant to be .
The light turned green and the pulsar zoomed past me . I let them do that . Nothing must stop the exuberance of youth .
In three years , just one lesson learnt . One line from Movie Jab tak hai Jaan ....Rishi kapoor is explaining his love for Nitu Singh , he says ..हर इश्क़ का एक वक़्त होता है , वह हमारा वक़्त नहीं था , पर इसका मतलब यह नहीं के वह इश्क़ नहीँ था। …। I am posting the scene and "the" song for today ...
I I am posting the scene and a song which makes me who i am ...
एक प्यार का नगमा हैं, मौजो की रवानी हैं...... जिन्दगी और कुछ भी नहीं, तेरी मेरी कहानी हैं........
एक प्यार का नगमा हैं, मौजो की रवानी हैं...... जिन्दगी और कुछ भी नहीं, तेरी मेरी कहानी हैं........
कुछ पाकर खोना है, कुछ खोकर पाना हैं.......जीवन का मतलब तो, आना और जाना हैं ........
दो पल के जीवन से, एक उम्र चुरानी हैं .......तू धार हैं नदिया की, मैं तेरा किनारा हूँ .......
तू मेरा सहारा है, मैं तेरा सहारा हूँ ........आँखों में समंदर है, आशाओं का पानी हैं ......
तूफ़ान तो आना है, आ कर चले जाना हैं ........बादल हैं ये कुछ पल का, छा कर ढल जाना हैं ...........
परछईयाँ रह जाती, रह जाती निशानी हैं......................
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