First an incident that has forced me to write this post . Manila isn't your usual metropolis, its new , its dark, its rich and its sick . I call it the city of vice, from brothels to strip bars, from animal fights to kickboxing , it has a strange demeanor. I have been coming here for 10 years and have lived here for a year as well. That said, there are only very few things that I like here , amongst them is the Chinese foot reflexology .On Tuesday morning , I got up and walked up to next door mall very early in day , 10ish I guess. The Acupressure clinics here have a dentist kind of chair and your feet are facing the therapist , who presses the nodes in your feet . I was asked to sit and wait for therapist , I wore my headphones and switched to ghazals , took glasses off and closed my eyes off . I saw the therapist come and take seat however i was too distracted by the tabla. She started to identify the points and started . A usual hello was exchanged . I gave a glance and closed my eyes again. A few minutes later , I realized this therapist was an absolute expert in her job and with escalating pain with each node, i was forced to take headphone off and focus on the therapy . The moment i wore glasses to make eye contact and tell her she was excellent and the points were accurate . I realized she had no eyes ...she was blind by birth . In seconds , tons of emotions went through my mind and my lungs were in my throat ...She was in her mid thirties , fiercely confident of what she was doing , exchanged usual verbs , where am i from and if acupressure works for me. She couldn't see me yet she was smiling and doing an amazing job in acupressure . She took a needle and pressed more points . I was speechless and almost in tears . I thanked her with a choked throat and left, stopped at a starbucks next door and howled for 15 mins.
I have shallow stupid issues, emotions, job, money, egos , marriage, relationships, who said what , cars , cellphones , visas, houses and here was a person who had nothing yet was far less stressed than i ever was . Who is blind ...me or her .... ...
And Of late , I have heard a few times that I live in the past , which usually means my best is behind me and I live with an eye on rear view mirror and not the front windscreen. The fact is that past never goes away , it is usually the foundation to future, my past is part of my evolution and will stay an undeniable fact. I don't glorify past , i remain cognizant of it . I am not ashamed of it but i dont always carry it my pocket.
In the last one year, exactly one year , life had forced me to look back and there was moment between August 9th 2013 and August 9th, 2014 , that i knew that the end was probably near and probably painful . This year was, of course, unprecedented on all accounts, I lost friends, may be they were acquaintances and I perceived the friendly acquaintances as friends. Some I had known for years and I had been through their thick and thin but your lowest point defines who you are and not your peak . Your decision and not situations decide who you are.
Its time to de-clutter for sure , delete a few hundred contacts. When i was almost diagnosed with cancer in September last year , there came a moment , when i called the "top 5" people of my life. Someone wanted to discuss money and someone was watching a movie , some flew in hours to meet me and some used sarcasm..
In April this year, I had hit the lowest emotional state of my life, some said fuck off and justified it later and . some told me its always about ME and some simply ignored. Do we really have loved ones who don't judge you by your statements , your appearance and your state of mind . Everyone around me had a theme , everybody had one reason to bear with me ,some money , some position and some purely emotional nuisance .
I have cried and howled alone many times , thinking the emotional ejaculation will possibly make me feel better. I have concluded that someone who is idealic is a mirage . Just live with what you have . Find a few moments of happiness, they will be short-lived yet possibly a mirage worth chasing .
This also been a year of self prosecution, I have charged myself with so may hurts and pronounced myself guilty also . This constant court room inside my head has taken a huge toll, i don't wish to defend myself any longer . I am wrong , You are right ....that's it ....
I have started to delete old life and meet new people, chat with strangers ....and expectations are almost eliminated
I want to be in solitude again, quiet , incommunicado and will try to find my feet ....live one day at a time .
An old favourite ghazal , sung again by Ali zafar
मुझे तुम नज़र से गिरा तो रहे हो, मुझे तुम कभी भी भुला न सकोगे।
न जाने मुझे क्यों यक़ीं हो चला है, मेरे प्यार को तुम मिटा न सकोगे।
मेरी याद होगी जिधर जाओगे तुम, कभी नग़मा बन के, कभी बन के आँसू।
तड़पता मुझे हर तरफ पाओगे तुम, शमा जो जलाई है मेरी वफ़ा ने
बुझाना भी चाहो बुझा न सकोगे, कभी नाम बातों में आया जो मेरा
तो बेचैन हो-हो के दिल थाम लोगे, निग़ाहों में छाएगा ग़म का अँधेरा।
किसी ने जो पूछा सबब आँसुओं का, बताना भी चाहो बता न सकोगे।
I have shallow stupid issues, emotions, job, money, egos , marriage, relationships, who said what , cars , cellphones , visas, houses and here was a person who had nothing yet was far less stressed than i ever was . Who is blind ...me or her .... ...
And Of late , I have heard a few times that I live in the past , which usually means my best is behind me and I live with an eye on rear view mirror and not the front windscreen. The fact is that past never goes away , it is usually the foundation to future, my past is part of my evolution and will stay an undeniable fact. I don't glorify past , i remain cognizant of it . I am not ashamed of it but i dont always carry it my pocket.
In the last one year, exactly one year , life had forced me to look back and there was moment between August 9th 2013 and August 9th, 2014 , that i knew that the end was probably near and probably painful . This year was, of course, unprecedented on all accounts, I lost friends, may be they were acquaintances and I perceived the friendly acquaintances as friends. Some I had known for years and I had been through their thick and thin but your lowest point defines who you are and not your peak . Your decision and not situations decide who you are.
Its time to de-clutter for sure , delete a few hundred contacts. When i was almost diagnosed with cancer in September last year , there came a moment , when i called the "top 5" people of my life. Someone wanted to discuss money and someone was watching a movie , some flew in hours to meet me and some used sarcasm..
In April this year, I had hit the lowest emotional state of my life, some said fuck off and justified it later and . some told me its always about ME and some simply ignored. Do we really have loved ones who don't judge you by your statements , your appearance and your state of mind . Everyone around me had a theme , everybody had one reason to bear with me ,some money , some position and some purely emotional nuisance .
I have cried and howled alone many times , thinking the emotional ejaculation will possibly make me feel better. I have concluded that someone who is idealic is a mirage . Just live with what you have . Find a few moments of happiness, they will be short-lived yet possibly a mirage worth chasing .
This also been a year of self prosecution, I have charged myself with so may hurts and pronounced myself guilty also . This constant court room inside my head has taken a huge toll, i don't wish to defend myself any longer . I am wrong , You are right ....that's it ....
I have started to delete old life and meet new people, chat with strangers ....and expectations are almost eliminated
I want to be in solitude again, quiet , incommunicado and will try to find my feet ....live one day at a time .
An old favourite ghazal , sung again by Ali zafar
मुझे तुम नज़र से गिरा तो रहे हो, मुझे तुम कभी भी भुला न सकोगे।
न जाने मुझे क्यों यक़ीं हो चला है, मेरे प्यार को तुम मिटा न सकोगे।
मेरी याद होगी जिधर जाओगे तुम, कभी नग़मा बन के, कभी बन के आँसू।
तड़पता मुझे हर तरफ पाओगे तुम, शमा जो जलाई है मेरी वफ़ा ने
बुझाना भी चाहो बुझा न सकोगे, कभी नाम बातों में आया जो मेरा
तो बेचैन हो-हो के दिल थाम लोगे, निग़ाहों में छाएगा ग़म का अँधेरा।
किसी ने जो पूछा सबब आँसुओं का, बताना भी चाहो बता न सकोगे।
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