The Constant Combatant

A few memories of childhood are unerasable and they always include the questions one asks and the answers one gets. Psychologists say that a child doesn't necessarily learn what's told to him but surely learns what he sees around him. One such story has always been on my mind, This is the story of a king who once built a special palace. He made it so impregnable that no enemy could enter it. We also, in life, make just such castles and take all precautions to keep the enemy away and be absolutely safe. What does man do all his life, after all? Why does he amass wealth? Why does he yearn for position and fame? So that he may feel safe and secure and life holds no terror for him. But the fun of the whole thing, and also the secret, is that the more measures he takes to safeguard himself, his fear increases in the same proportion. There was, however, one fear, what if the King is Outside of the Palace, he is now exposed to attacks. The walls that are made of brick and mortar are not that dangerous, for they can be seen. There are other walls — subtle, imperceptible walls and the enemies are often ones with clear open intent to kill you, captivate you. There are New enemies, they keep evolving and so do they need to build newer bigger and thicker walls. The walls are Absolutely invisible these days and so are the enemies. So how does one win? Be a warrior, an indefatigable one, no palaces ever last but the grit to win, always wins. Usually, by the time the morale of story would be whispered to me, I would have either slept or pretending to be. I didn't get the learning of the story till my mid-20s, One needs to be an Unswerving warrior. Fight Death, Fight for Values, Conviction and Self-Respect, Fight for your rightful place and the constant battle is the only reality. 

मुझको जिन्होंने क़त्ल किया है , कोई उन्हें बतलाए कभी, मेरी लाश के पहलु में , वो अपना खंजर भूल गए हैं ..

The Battle is not just to fight the enemy, the bigger battle is to Identify,  who the enemy is as well. 

उस के दुश्मन हैं बहुत आदमी अच्छा होगा, वो भी मेरी ही तरह शहर में तन्हा होगा - निदा फ़ाज़ली

Today, I want to write about different states of mind, things I have observed and experienced however don't find the reference in discussions and writing. It's about what we experience when certain emotions take over us,  all emotions segregated and bucketed in a crisp clean fashion. 

The Introverted Extrovert: There is an Urdu word "Guftgu" which is usually translated as Conversation but it is not exactly just a conversation, Conversation is "Baat", a heartfelt open candid conversation is Guftgu. All of us have a social weighing scale that we carry. This weighing scale decides "what do we talk about with whom" It starts with no conversation, the smallest measurable unit of human connection, typically exchanged between passing strangers—a flirtatious glance, a sympathetic nod, a shared laugh about some odd coincidence—moments that are fleeting and random but still contain powerful emotional nutrients that can alleviate the symptoms of feeling alone. These are most secured conversations. Then come Formal ones, and socially measured ones. Everyone these days is so used to "measured " and "calculated " conversations that they cant even have a true conversation with themselves. True Loved ones are ones with whom you can have the "unfiltered, Uncensored and un-coated conversations" but how many people do we have in our life like that? Even friends over time have "measured" conversations as they know the reaction the friend may have, listening to some of their true expressions. 

इस दोस्त से भी मुलाक़ात नाप कर हुई, बातें सारी रात हुई, गुफ्तगू ना हुई 

Most people identify themselves as either an introvert or an extrovert, but what about the people who fall somewhere between the normal lines? I’m right there. I love going out and being surrounded by my friends, but I also crave the time I can spend completely alone with no distractions. There are often times when I find myself surrounded by people wishing I wasn’t there; Wishing I were almost anywhere but there. I’ll usually give myself a pep talk to try to get myself into the conversation so people don’t start asking, “what’s wrong?” There is nothing wrong; I would rather just be home by myself not trying to make small talk over things,  I have no interest in talking about. I cant relate to conversations in which everyone is talking but nobody is listening, simply overlaying disconnected words like a game of Scrabble, with each player borrowing bits of other anecdotes as a way to increase their own score, until we all run out of things to say.Then there are times where all I want to do is go out and see every person I know. I’ll text nearly everyone I can think of to make sure they’re all going out. An elaborate verbal Interaction with others never means that I am necessarily an extrovert, to the contrary, a lot of conversation could be a camouflage for the real conversations which I may not be comfortable sharing. I am always thinking, when alone and with people. The brain churns a million thoughts and directions, whether it’s thinking about something I have to do next week or something you forgot to ask a friend there is always something on your mind. Like I said, small talk is important to me but must be something engaging and meaningful to talk about. Deep conversation is what it’s all about, most times. There is this, the real existence of the Introverted extroverts. I am selectively social, everyone enjoys being social, but you don’t want to be social with everyone. It is possible to have an active social life but very few close friends—people who you can trust, who you can be yourself with, who can help flush out the weird psychological toxins that tend to accumulate over time—which is a form of acute social malnutrition in which even if you devour an entire buffet of chitchat, you’ll still feel pangs of hunger. 

मुझे अपने किरदार पे इतना तो यकीन है "फराज़", कोई मुझे छोड तो सकता है, मगर भुला नहीं सकता....

The Insomniac Nighthawk: In 80s , Folk Singer Reshma sung a beautiful Nazm , Aksar shab-e-tanhai mein, Kuch dair pehlay neend say, Guzri hui dil-chaspian, Beetay huay din aish ke ....There are always conversations which play in your head before you sleep. There are a recurring thought that only seems to strike you late at night—an overdue task, a nagging guilt, a looming and shapeless future—that circles high overhead during the day, the multitude of possibility which run  at the back of your mind while you try to sleep, that you can successfully ignore for weeks, only to feel its presence hovering outside the window, waiting for you to finish your morning Chai, passing the time by quietly building a nest. This will, of course, be followed by the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you. This will then be coupled with a sense of weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been breeding on for years, which leaves them soggy and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to a pub, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago. To make sleep even more difficult , there will be the sadness that you’ll never really know what other people think of you, whether good, bad or if at all—that although we reflect on each other with the sharpness of a mirror, the true picture of how we’re coming off somehow reaches us softened and distorted, as if each mirror was preoccupied with twisting around, desperately trying to look itself in the eye. One does get sleep finally , thinking about Qateel Shifai's lines .

जागा हुआ ज़मीर वो आईना है "क़तील" , सोने से पहले रोज़ जिसे देखता हूँ मैं ....

The Heartworm: In everyone's life there is an Individual or set of people, whose bitter memories and experiences continue to live inside you. This is a relationship or friendship that you can’t get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smouldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire. We take it for granted that life moves forward. But you move as a rower moves, facing backwards: you can see where you’ve been, but not where you’re going. And your boat is steered by a younger version of you. It’s hard not to wonder what life would be like facing the other way. We never do a pest control for such heartworms.

ख़्वाब मैले हो गए है ं, अब उन्हें धोना चाहिए .....
अज़ाब कितने भी हों , अपने ज़मीर की सकत को नहीं खोना चाहिए

Today's Ghazal is written by Farhat Shahzad. He is a young yet exceptional shayar , his family is originally from Kaithal Haryana and migrated to Pakistan. Farhat lives in the US and continues to write some exceptional poetry. I have chosen Tauseef Akhtar's version, he is an upcoming Ghazal Singer.

तन्हा तन्हा मत सोचा कर.....मर जाएगा मत सोचा कर......

प्यार घड़ी भर का ही बहुत है......सच्चा झूठा मत सोचा कर......

जिसकी फितरत ही डसना हो....वो तो डसेगा ,मत सोचा कर....

धूप में तन्हा कर जाता है ...क्यू ये साया मत सोचा कर....

अपना आप गँवाकर तूने ...पाया है क्या मत सोचा कर.....

मान मेरे "शहजाद" वरना...पछताएगा मत सोचा कर.....