Yes, the title is the "love " of diminishing returns and not the "law of diminishing returns". Having known a few economics graduates in my life, I am always amused to see how concepts of economics quietly make way into the decisions of emotional and spiritual nature . Today's blog is inspired by an incident which happened in Bangalore on Friday the 13th January 2017. A story of two lovers and a marriage, ended in a murder and a suicide. Rajesh Gopalakrishnan shot his wife's lover in her presence, but the woman was not ready to give up. She drove her injured lover, Amith Keshavamurthy, to a hospital, where he was declared brought dead. Half an hour later, Shruthi Gowda, a mother of two daughters, checked into a lodge, across the road from the hospital where Amith was lying dead and committed suicide. There are several kinds of reaction to this, I have a few too. What really connected Shruthi and Amith, was it love, lust or something else? Amith and Shruthi met over facebook, so is Technology changing love or changing the landscape of what's called "love" and finally the undiscussed connection between Love, divinity and death. I have often written about my fondness of Mirza Sahiba and Heer Ranjha tales. Are Shruthi and Amith the new Mirza Sahiba? Mirza is killed by Sahibas brothers and Sahiba dies too in the end as well. Is Death an inevitable ending of an indefatigable and un-diminishable love tale. This is an ode to the love of Shruthi and Amith.
The "Science" of Love:
George Bernard Shaw said "Love consists of overestimating the differences between one woman and another." And indeed, that's what we do. I explained this to a much younger person once, in a slightly different way. Seeking love, is like trying to choose a car to have for the rest of your life or for a foreseeable future .Imagine you are in a huge parking lot to do that. Some cars are new, some are old (age is one factor ) , some colours you like and some you don't (appearance , complexion ) , some have radial tyres and some have chrome exhaust (appearances ) some have a raving engine and some just have a great brand (intellectual depth v/s lineage) , whatever you choose will trigger a raving rush of dopamine . Your car will come across as the best in the parking lot . You will justify your choice , tooth and nail but its a car . Some live with it , some adore it , most become obsessive about it , most will want to keep it under cover in a garage, some will flaunt it. Please pardon my sense of examples but there is a correlation to the thought process here. What if the car has been through major accident, doesn't matter whose fault was it, people get rid of accidental cars quickly. What if your love was hit by infidelity and its your fault partly too ? Not every couple is Bill and Hillary Clinton but every Monica Lewinsky becomes a "no one" in the end . Unless you are Javed Akhtar and Shabana Azmi and Daisy Irani becomes a "no one" in the end. We have been exercising bias in choosing a mating subject (Not love subject) from times immemorial. In Modern societies , arranged marriages (social approval for progeny , often read as love ) stack ranked aspirants on the very same factors (Caste , breed , looks , education, earning potential and envy factor ) and invested money in marriage functions (heard 15-25 lakhs even years ago ) to give it a social approval at a grand level . But is love that mathematical? If it is, then how is that people fall in love over and over again? make no mistake , the main characteristics of romantic love are craving: an intense craving to be with a particular person, not just sexually, but emotionally. It would be nice to go to bed with them, but you want them to call you, WhatsApp you, to invite you out, share their daily ups and downs with you and to tell you that they love you. Each connect has intellectual , emotional, financial , social and physical tangents , somehow these swim lanes don't appear as clearly to everyone .
The other main characteristic is motivation. The engine in the brain begins to rave, you want this person to help you tuck away your fears and insecurities. Motivation works wonders and you want this person like the Malana Drag or the Chardonnay, again and again. Over years I have realised that romantic love is not one single emotion. In fact, I had always thought it was a series of emotions, from very high to very low. But actually, it's a drive. It comes from the core of your mind, the wanting part of the mind, the craving part of the mind. The kind of part of the mind when you're reaching for that piece of chocolate or scotch or when you want to win that promotion at work. The life force in you is reinvigorated with love. Latest research says (I read it in Readers Digest ) people who hug and get hugged thrice a day are most unlikely to commit suicide or face clinical depression . Love hence is a drive and a life force . And in fact, I think it's more powerful than the sex drive. You know, if you ask somebody to go to bed with you, and they say, "No, thank you," you certainly don't kill yourself or slip into a clinical depression. But certainly, around the world, people who are rejected in love will kill for it. People live for love. They kill for love. They die for love. They have songs, poems, novels, sculptures, paintings, myths, legends. For every "aati kya khandala song " there are hundreds of "agar tum Saath ho" kind of ballads which soothe souls across ages .
However, there's always kinds of complications in this. These three brain systems -- lust, romantic love and attachment -- don't always go together. They can go together, by the way. That's why casual sex isn't so casual. With every orgasm you get a spike of dopamine. Dopamine associated with romantic love, and you can just fall in love with somebody who you're just oxytocin and vasopressin (google them if you haven't come across them , you sure have experienced them ) However, there's always complications in this. This is why you can feel such a sense of cosmic union with somebody after you've made love to them. It's another matter that person could be quiet the opposite of you , could be shallow , selfish or even a serial killer .
But these three brain systems: lust, romantic love and attachment, aren't always connected to each other. You can feel deep attachment to a long-term partner while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else, while you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners. In short, we're capable of loving more than one person at a time. In fact, you can lie in bed at night and swing from deep feelings of attachment for one person to deep feelings of romantic love for somebody else. It's as if there's a Parliament session going on in your head as you are trying to decide what to do. So I don't think, honestly, we're an animal that was built to be happy; we are an animal that was built to reproduce. I think the happiness we find, we make on our own, we create happiness. . And I think, however, we can make good relationships with each other.
There's all kinds of reasons that you fall in love with one person than another. Timing is important. Proximity is important. Mystery is important. You fall in love with somebody who's somewhat mysterious, in part because mystery elevates dopamine in the brain, probably pushes you over that threshold to fall in love. You fall in love with somebody who fits within what I call your "emotional landscape " an unconscious list of traits that you build in childhood and teenage as you grow up. And I also think that you gravitate to certain people, actually, with somewhat complementary brain systems.
In conclusion , we have three basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love and attachment to a long-term partner. Shruthi and Amith just didnt manage to justify to the society that they had a different level of connect .
Love and Technology :
Ghalib wrote " Qaasid ke aate aate khat ek aur likh rakhun , main jaanta hun jo woh likhenge jawaab mein " Qaasid is a the messenger or a postman. Before the british started the postal system , messengers would take letters from one person to another . Today messages are sent at the speed of light , there is not much to anticipation what would be sent your way .
There's no question that technology is changing the way we meet new people: emailing, texting, emojis to express your emotions, sexting, "liking" a photograph, selfies ... We're seeing new rules and taboos for how to court. But, you know -- is this actually dramatically changing love? Technology can let you meet various people but the only real algorithm is your own human brain. Technology is not going to change that. Technology is also not going to change who you choose to love and why . It all depends on our emotional landscape and of the ones we meet .
Make no mistake , more than love , lust is getting challenged . Lust is constantly evolving , from the introduction of birth control methods and pills , women were unchained from the great threat of pregnancy and its social impact and could finally express their primitive and primal sexuality. Then came , pornography and sexting , lust has always been under pressure . With botox and Viagra in huge circulation , lust is running fast to nowhere . Eventually however lust has to lose its steam to love .
The Irrational conviction called therefore has mysterious ways of evolving . Love has also has a tangent of selflessness and solitude . Love isnt economics , it isn't about gratification or approval . The isnt about returns , or space or privacy or logistics , it has "no returns " it is a one way divinity , like you can fall in love with Gulzar's poetry or aamer fort or John Abraham but these three persons or places, cant love you back . This isnt about the LHS to be equated to RHS in an equation , infact one side will always be shortchanged . Love is for those who are willing to be shortchanged .
"A world without love is a dangreous place " Shruthi and Amith are the Mirza Sahiba . I just realised that legendary tales repeat themselves , this time in Namma bengaluru.
Rest in Peace Amit and Shruthi .
My dedication , a Gulzar song from movie Kinara , an absolutely timeless love song ....
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