One of the overwhelming aspects of modern day upbringing is to instill "confidence" in every human being . Parents , teachers , friends , everyone pushes you to be "confident". I often wonder if someone really double clicks into this very complicated term . Confidence is the feeling or belief that one has a strong logic or conviction on a particular topic . The journey of confidence evolves into "surety" on every topic with the course of time and then finally lands in the lawns of arrogance . Earlier , I was confident of my beliefs , my values , my knowledge and the works . That is a natural phenomenon for that age I guess , which gains even higher octane with the constant testosterone rush. Today's blog is about the last three years . This is about revisiting the logic and conviction I've had. Some of them changed with time - The experiences I had between January 2014 and January 2017 convinced me that I overlooked some key deep aspects of life , like a fool . I heard this term in a nice song from the movie "Begin again" which has a song by Keira Knightley (yes , I listen to that kind of music too ..rarely though) . This music coexists with my collection of ghazals. So the usual pattern in today's post - three thoughts and a ghazal.
Like a fool, we don't learn how to be sad :
Like a fool , we don't recognise the "real vault"
Recently, I read in an article in Reader's Digest, that depression only happens to people who don't know how to be sad. This triggered a thought in me . We chase happiness all our lives and are trained by social norms to find ways to celebrate happiness. It could be Holi for some, and for me it could be cooking daal makhni while having a Glenlivet 15 and Jagjit's ghazals on a Bose system . Given the high pedestal we place bliss on, and the high value chase , bliss and happiness are handled well but what about pain and misery ? The eventual squirt of bliss must have an equivalent in the domains of pain and misery. They may be tears. As life progressed , I have started to respect and value people , who handle pain and misery un-apologetically and thrive out of it with a smiling face . I feel while relishing bliss is a perfect, definitive human performance. There are many animals that express their happiness, but only the human animal has the genius to express a magnificent sadness. And for me, it is something special; handling and expressing sadness is an art . I thought being happy is the only chase , like a fool ....
Like a fool , we don't recognise the "real vault"
In my childhood , every household of our means had a prized possession , a Godrej Almirah, and inside that almirah was a small locker, and tucked in deep inside that locker, was a side little pocket locker . Whatever little possessions we had , some cash , some rings , some silver coins etc were parked in that vault . As I grew up , I realised we had another vault in the bank where we had some gold . As a teenager , I concluded that bigger the vault , the better the man . Families now posses cars , apartments , farm houses , solitaires and platinum rings as possessions . Some of this stays in the vault and some stays out for display . In a way , filling up the vault was a chase . As I grew older , I realised that there is an another vault which fills up in parallel and what's inside it is not always a prized possession. This is vault of memories and emotions . Some of us carry catastrophic storms in our hearts and minds wherever we go. We try to keep everything bottled in as we have trouble expressing at that intellectual level or nobody’s listening. When we do react , we are reacting not only to the current situation but the many like it before. The vault talks ....the vault has child abuse , hardships , bad relationships, pain and anguish, largely . This vault is more protected than the Red colour Godrej almirah . I had mine too (or have ) . I started to relate to people whose inner voice is always Screaming (in person , on blogs or on twitter) . There is no little voice in your head, it's a loud screaming and yelling noise and it starts to bang that vault . Understanding this other vault made me incredibly empathetic, we collect our negative emotions like a magnet and don’t know how to let go, once we have it. I , unfortunately , loved people who had a vault full of pain and misery . With this vault full, when someone treats you wrong or unfairly, you normally just smile and nod. In your head though, you are tearing them into shreds. On occasion, the pressure valve slips and you end up reacting disproportionately to the situation, so keeping a lid on my feelings was a survival method. If I hadn’t learnt to keep a lock on my feelings and thoughts, I would be a serious safety hazard for those around me. My emotions grew intense (hence the 2000 ghazal collection) Due to this heady cocktail mix, I was deeply in touch with my emotions. As a result of this , I was not sorting them out or letting them go and was on a emotional roller coaster ALL the time. All that effort to keeping others in the dark about your constant emotional distress goes to waste when you express this outward form of sadness. Nothing lets go of these bottled up emotions. When something used to piss me off , I wouldn't react till , I was all alone and it was OK for me to freak out .It used to end up in a "leave me alone " signboard always hanging outside my persona. Like a fool, I didn't know how NOT to hang on to this vault but let this go, empty it ....the vault is now open and will be repainted soon ...
Like a fool, we fail to acknowledge divinity:
A term used often by people my age is that "I am self made" , I used to quote this extravagantly as well. I realise now, that nothing could be further from the truth . This is possibly the most arrogant and irresponsible statement one can make about oneself . One cant be born on its own , one can't be transported to the last abode on his own , someone makes an effort , selflessly to give birth , feed , educate , bring up . All the universal forces are not conducive for human survival, yet we survive by the help and support of an "eco system " but no one can be self made . Our "means and material possessions" can be in the category of "self earned and acquired " but self made ? . I often think how we take divinity or Nature for granted , I haven't seen the Sun not living up to its promise for more than a day; how the blowing wind recharges every cell of my body ; how the taste of fresh farm picked Gobhi feels on your palate.All of these make you wonder how we can "replicate" and exceed its gifts . Denial of the fact that we are at the mercy of the ecosystem called divinity in which we play the role of the primary "anchor tenant " (like McDonald's are placed at the most prime location in each mall) is pure arrogance and I believed that man is the driving force on this earth , like a fool ....
A term used often by people my age is that "I am self made" , I used to quote this extravagantly as well. I realise now, that nothing could be further from the truth . This is possibly the most arrogant and irresponsible statement one can make about oneself . One cant be born on its own , one can't be transported to the last abode on his own , someone makes an effort , selflessly to give birth , feed , educate , bring up . All the universal forces are not conducive for human survival, yet we survive by the help and support of an "eco system " but no one can be self made . Our "means and material possessions" can be in the category of "self earned and acquired " but self made ? . I often think how we take divinity or Nature for granted , I haven't seen the Sun not living up to its promise for more than a day; how the blowing wind recharges every cell of my body ; how the taste of fresh farm picked Gobhi feels on your palate.All of these make you wonder how we can "replicate" and exceed its gifts . Denial of the fact that we are at the mercy of the ecosystem called divinity in which we play the role of the primary "anchor tenant " (like McDonald's are placed at the most prime location in each mall) is pure arrogance and I believed that man is the driving force on this earth , like a fool ....
Today's ghazal by Chitra singh ...
वो नहीं मिलता मुझे..... इसका गिला अपनी जगह..... उसके मेरे दरमियाँ फ़ासला अपनी जगह
ज़िन्दगी के इस सफ़र में सैकड़ों चेहरे मिले, दिल-कशी उनकी अलग, पैकर तेरा..... अपनी जगह
तुझसे मिल कर आने वाले कल से नफ़रत मोल ली, अब कभी तुझसे ना बिछड़ूँ ये दुआ अपनी जगह
इस मुसलसल दौड में है ....मन्ज़िलें और फ़ासले , पाँव तो अपनी जगह हैं....... रास्ता अपनी जगह
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