We, not me

Every blog I write has a trigger , and today's blog is inspired by some conversations and experiences from  the last two weeks . Very often, I engage myself in going through different varieties of tea leaves and make my own concoction of the long leaf Assam Grey and the black orthodox tea grown in Coonoor . I like to believe that I’ve created an absolutely unprecedented blend of tea . Fact is, it’s just tea -  one more blend. Life is similar. We are so convinced with our thoughts and actions, so much so that we tend to ignore the huge blind spots we live with . We believe in our concoctions a lot and would like to believe that we have an unmatchable and unprecedented blend . Reality is, it is everything but that . In today's blog, I talk about two fallacies, one ghazal (as always), a rare one by Jagjit Singh , which was used in the TV series Sailaab , written by Mrs . Raman Sehgal . This ghazal incidentally rhymes with memories of the morning of 19th March 2017.

Fallacy # 1 , I am fine : 
When my kids were younger , I was insistent that we inculcate "Kshatriya" streaks in them . Every time they would fall or hurt themselves, we would rush to see if they were fine but not create panic - in fact, we pretended nothing much had happened . So much so, that I trained them to use Band Aids regularly and they happily shopped for Batman, Spider man and Barbie band aids. They’d  find them in drawers and use them generously . I was thinking about this last weekend , We all know how to maintain our physical health and how to practise dental hygiene, right? We've known it since we were five years old. But what do we know about maintaining our psychological health? Well, nothing. What do we teach our children about emotional hygiene? Nothing. How is it that we spend more time taking care of our teeth than we do our minds? Why is it that our physical health is so much more important to us than our psychological health? We sustain psychological injuries even more often than we do physical ones, injuries like failure, or rejection, or loneliness. They can also get worse if we ignore them, and they can impact our lives in dramatic ways. And yet, even though there are scientifically proven techniques we could use to treat these kinds of psychological injuries, we don't. It doesn't even occur to us that we should. "Oh, you're feeling depressed? Just shake it off; it's all in your head." Can you imagine saying that to somebody with a broken leg: "Oh, just walk it off; it's all in your leg.".

Every time I see an ad on TV about liquid hand washes, it occurs to me that only a hundred years ago, people began practising personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades. I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practising emotional hygiene. I see this favouritism we show the body over the mind — I see it everywhere. We are just in denial. The answer you get from people when you ask them how they are is "I am fine" , That's the most fake statement of the 21st century . Loneliness is almost a public health crisis . It can cause depression and make no mistake, we have learnt to suffer alone . We are all trying to be seen like the one "fitting in ". People think being seen as "fitted in " is the basic requirement of your "social skills" . Jim Carrey once said , “I think everybody should get rich and famous and be able to do everything they ever dreamt of so that they can see that, it’s not the answer.” We must continuously "make connections".  It isn't a yearly exercise or something only young people should do . All of us need to be "seen , heard , valued and loved" . One thing that happy people do is that they "prioritise" connections. There is a ritual -  the moment you hear the word ritual , you’d think it’s some religious practice . No, it’s a repeated action with a clear intent , done "religiously " .

My Nanajee , Prof . Ram Lal Chawla , had an amazing way with people . He was 31 when partition happened and the emotional trauma hit him hard . The first thing he used to ask anyone he met was, “Where are you from?” and if they answered, say " Dera Ghazi Khan" , he would tell them names of families he knew from Dera Ghazi Khan . In 1980s , people had started to forget partition and its pains, so his habit made an instant "connection" . He had made an amazing network of people from Sahiwal , his native town, and sustained the connection . He would attend weddings , give career advice and of course, was a great storyteller who was a rare combination of an expert in Hindu Mythology, Punjabi Culture and Partition stories . I envy the art of making a connection (trying to at least) and keeping at it .

Loneliness isn't solitude. Solitude and loneliness are two very different things .In solitude , you start relishing your own company and you keep yourself engaged in de-fragmenting your thoughts and observations. People often confuse loneliness and solitude. Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. It make us really afraid to reach out, because, why would you set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand? All of us have experienced this at some point in time in life and the worst part is that we are surrounded by people all day, so it never occurs to us. But loneliness is defined purely subjectively. It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. There is a lot of research on loneliness and all of us say it is potentially fatal .Cigarette packs these days come with warnings saying, "This could kill you." But loneliness doesn't come with a label. And that's why it's so important that we prioritise our psychological health; that we practise emotional hygiene. Because you can't treat a psychological wound if you don't even know you're injured. It is time we close the gap between our physical and our psychological health. It's time we do something about this " I am fine fallacy " . 

Two couplets both by Nida Fazli , complete this... 

हर तरफ़ हर जगह बेशुमार आदमी , फिर भी तनहाईयों का शिकार आदमी

हर तरफ़ भागते दौडते रास्ते , हर तरफ़ आदमी का शिकार आदमी

If you see someone facing loneliness, please do something "divine", reach out and offer unconditional love and affection . 

घर से मस्जिद है बहुत दूर चलो, यूँ कर लें, किसी रोते हुए बच्चे को हँसाया जाये

हम्सफ़र तो कोई वक़्त के वीराने में , सूनी आँखों में , कोई ख्वाब सजाया जाये

रोशनी की भी हिफ़ाज़त है इबादत की तरह, बुझते सूरज से , चाराग़ों को जलाया जाये

ग़म अकेला है तो साँसों को सताता है बहुत , दर्द को दर्द का, हम्दर्द बनाया जाये

Make a heart connection , even if it ends up emotionally draining you , Making a connection, it  will enhance your possibility of an intellectual intercourse and an emotional orgasm . Squirt your tears , Its OK . 

Fallacy #2 - Educated is intelligent:
There is an ad which plays on TV these days. It’s an ad for Thumps up. The actor in the ad stops at a shop to buy sweetened soda and realises a school bus has had a tyre burst , and in a matter of seconds, he jumps on top of the bus , rescues every child and is back to drinking this sugar soda, all within 30 seconds . I saw this and said, “Really? Like who is this fooling?” Make no mistake, people  - educated people , who have apparently been to schools and colleges , believe in this fairy tale . India buys fairness creams and products worth 5,000 crores a year. Who buys them? Not an illiterate woman in a village . All fairness products contain lead and mercury which eventually lead to Kidney damage and most of them are banned even in the US. In the last two years , I’ve met people who have been to top colleges and have scored laurels in Mathematics , Economics and Statistics , and  I’ve realised that intelligence has a very weak correlation to education . Women (and men) drool over John Abraham and Salman Khan , not knowing that every square inch is either the work of surgery , Botox or some technology called hair replacement . Educated people fall in this trap.. I used to try and reason it out but I’ve given up .Last night on Twitter, I read a tweet I felt so passionately about  - Electronic music instruments have ruined the feel and sound of natural music instruments .A drum machine can’t replicate a tabla or a dhol or a mridang . A keyboard can’t replace a rosewood harmonium or a wooden flute made out of the humble bamboo . A santoor is irreplaceable . It isn't alien invasion which is causing this . So called educated are opting for this . A man in a village or a woman , completely uneducated, is as likely to make an irrational choice as an educated one is . Intelligence is your own evolution , a path unique to you .

रिश्ता क्या है तेरा मेरा, मैं हूँ शब और तू है सवेरा, तू है चाँद सितारों जैसा, मेरी किस्मत घोर अँधेरा....

फूलों जैसे राहें तेरी, काटों जैसा मेरा डेरा, आता जाता है ये जीवन, पल-दो-पल का रैन बसेरा....