Some posts I write are about recent thoughts or observations, some I write, is about memories, some, however, are just my conversations with myself. Today's post is just that. Do convictions change, do we ever change in what motivates us, what we believe so deeply about? I think we do, we all evolve with time. Today I will write down how one of my key convictions has changed. More than the content of the blog, it was the title, I started writing this post over a month back, but couldn't decide on the Title. So why is the Title so important? The background is simple, I often say to my friends that I have categorized the whole landscape of my relationships into a few categories, people sometimes move from one category to another, These categories are Mine, Not Mine and the third recently evolved one, is called "I forgive you". I will use the reverse chronological sequence to explain the three.
I forgive you: This category of "I almost forgive you" actually is new to me, it used to originally called in (in my head and in conversations with a few friends) as "I will teach you a lesson". I carry no illusions, I thrive on two things, unambiguity and vengeance. I think through concepts, things and events till the conclusions and my point of view become unambiguously clear in my head, I also often used to say that "one can never be half pregnant" so either you are my friend or my enemy. Make no mistake, vengeance is a huge motivator, always has been. I believe in retributive justice. So why is this category being changed to "I forgive you ", is this a temporary name or phase? Well, it is not. I can't forgive and forget a few people in life. I used to look back at the "wrong" they did and think three things, first, why me? Second, why Karmic redemption is not applicable to them? Third, why did it even happen? We will meet a few people in life, who we wish we hadn't ever met. Why and how we stumbled upon them remains elusive in logic.
As time progressed, I realized I needed to deeply comprehend this impulsive conviction of "I will teach you a lesson" into further logical explanations to myself. I realized all of them were, once my loved ones, and hence I allowed them access to my innermost insecurities and fears. They had access to the innermost vault where one's darkest fears are locked. This shift of category is the scariest. Second, such people not only can cause maximum emotional turmoil and make matter worse, but they would also be oblivious to the damage they do. As one's spiritual journey moves ahead in life, I realized that a man is a mere facilitator of destiny and not the driver of fate, he is following a "google maps " of destiny. While he does take credit for driving, navigation is divine guidance. I realized that I am no one to seek a day of revenge, I should just let karma catch up. Every prayer of mine to the universe has this component. The universe runs on Karmic laws.
So let's dig deeper into what happens when we disconnect, we fundamentally disconnect on Value systems and convictions. I have never disconnected from someone for an "event" a hurtful conversation or even a mean event. Events should never disconnect two people. A few years ago, I read an anecdote from Punjabi folklore. It says, the land of ego, even if it rains heavenly, won't absorb even a drop of love. We never question ourselves in a situation and place ourselves as the victim and perpetrator. but we are always the Hero in our story, the protagonist in the story, we never see ourselves as the antagonist. We are clouded by our own convictions.
There is a Baba Bullseshah verse called ...Bus karin o Yaar ...Elamun bus Karin o yaar ....ek alf tere darkaar ...
Ilm is knowledge ...means there is a limit to knowledge beyond that it kills love and affection because affection is illogical.
Of many shers, I like on this topic, not sure where I read this one.
उम्र भर मिलने नहीं देती हैं अब तो रंजिशें, वक़्त हम से रूठ जाने की अदा तक ले गया.....
Mine and not mine: I have only one thing to state on "mine:. What you learn I your formative years stays with you. I heard it from my Nanajee, "Apne ka sahi to bahut sahi hai , galat bhee sahi hai " . This concept has a deep meaning. Who you love is not just right when they are right, they are right when they are wrong too. It shows the deep element of non-judgemental, undiminishable, and indefatigable love. I often use these three terms, they truly define who is "mine".
दोस्ती ख्वाब है और ख्वाब की ताबीर भी है, रिश्ता ऐ इश्क़ भी है यादों की ज़ंजीर भी है .....
"Not mine" is the "Bheed", the crowd, they know you, you know them, there is a level of acquaintance but there is just a subtle co-existence. The crowd is important as long as they let you be and they make way for you and not drag you with them ...
Today's ghazal is my absolute favorite....Kaise Kaise log. I used to humm it often ....The original version has been sung by Mehdi Hassan, sharing the "replica" :)
This is Munir Niazi Gem ...will live forever ...
कैसे कैसे लोग हमारे जी को जलाने आ जाते हैं, अपने अपने ग़म के फ़साने हमें सुनाने आ जाते हैं....
मेरे लिये ये ग़ैर हैं और मैं इनके लिये बेगाना हूँ, फिर भी ये एक रस्म -ए-जहाँ है जिसे निभाने आ जाते हैं ....
इनसे अलग मैं रह नहीं सकता इस बेदर्द ज़माने में, मेरी ये मजबुरी मुझको याद दिलाने आ जाते हैं.....
सबकी सुन कर चुप रहते हैं दिल की बात नहीं कहते, आते आते जीने के भी लाख बहाने आ जाते हैं......
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